In Too Deep

Ok, so I think we've all determined that I'm officially not going to be on any type of schedule when posting here...sigh...

I was listening to my Pandora at work today when a Sum 41 song came on: In Too Deep. Now, I'm not traditionally a huge fan, but this song is so upbeat, even though it talks about sort of a depressing subject...

'Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep
Up above in my head, instead of going under

Maybe we're just trying too hard
When really it's closer than it is too far'

I really love it when a song comes on that finds me where I am right now...

Some people call it mommy guilt and others would identify my issues stemming from my perfectionist tendencies, but as a whole, I hate being an underachiever. And, if you really want to see me lose it, find me when I'm feeling that way in all aspects of my life all at once.

Now, don't get me wrong--I LOVE my life. Not just like, really LOVE. But I have those moments when I feel like nothing is being done really well and I'm just sort of operating on half a tank with everything. Not enough time at home with Wardie, not enough time with my husband, no time for continuing education for me, not enough time at work to keep up with the demand, not enough time hanging out with co-workers to develop relationships, not enough time for relaxing, not enough time for cleaning and house upkeep, not enough time for others, not enough time for myself...

Clearly, the contstant here is "not enough time." Does this ever change? Do we ever feel like we have "enough" time? Some people would say that I'm just trying to do too much at once and need to relax. Perhaps. But, when I think about life and what I want to get out of being alive in the world, I want to look back in 30 years and remember all of the things that have happened in my life--I want to do so much that my life feels full or even overfull. After all, who wants to look back and remember the times I was resting...boring!

So, maybe it's just about paring down--working to make sure that I get so much out of life, but that those things include playing in the leaves with Wardie or watching a movie with Bryan or taking a class I'm interested in just because I'm interested in it. Maybe it is about doing as much as possible, but making sure each of those things aren't being done to please others, but because they are meaningful to me and pleasing to God. Maybe if I can line my life up with those principles, I'll stop being overwhelmed and just feel pleasantly tired at the end of each day and, hopefully, at the end of life.

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